From my earliest memories, I have known God’s existence. I didn’t just believe it; the possibility of an alternative truth was beyond comprehension. God’s existence was the foundation of my epistemology, and by His gracious will that has never changed.
This does not mean, however, that I’ve never experienced a “crisis of faith;” there is an emotional aspect to Christianity that I failed to experience until much later in life. I lacked a relationship with God, and as such my considerations of Him were strictly practical. His love for me was a fact I was aware of, and I could explain its doctrine; but its reality was not experienced by me, and I did not pursue it.
The shift began with a conviction of my sin. We tend to categorize evil according to its effect on the world around us, denoting less and more impactful sins as “lesser” and “greater,” respectively. We do this to ease the guilt of our sins, comparing them to the sins of others and believing ourselves better than them; but this is a false perception. I realized myself guilty of all sins. Attempting to justify myself by contrasting against others ceased to comfort; I knew myself to be deserving of condemnation, not for past actions only but for active, immediate wrongs committed physically and mentally. Knowing of God was not enough to confirm my faith.
Relief came without my looking for it. I foolishly forsook seeking wisdom from those around me, desiring to protect a facade of prideful confidence. But God was not content to wait for me. Until that time, I had not considered the idea of knowing and experiencing God personally; unexpectedly, the subject became a focus of study in my family and was subsequently emphasized in school. I learned to consider God in a new way, one in which He knew me personally and acted on my behalf for the sake of His love and glory.
This is the foundation of my worldview, my guidance in decision making, my comfort in trial and my confidence in endeavor. When in doubt of action, I can reliably seek His will (Psalm 25:8-10). When suffering from injustice, I can remember His love (Romans 8:28). When convicted of error, I can find reassurance in His sovereignty (Proverbs 19:21). I need only remember His promises, and avail myself of His Spirit. I do not consistently follow through with this as I ought; but by His sanctification, I have hope to grow more faithful day by day.
Matthew 11:28-30 – “Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gently and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Be sanctified! TTT